Life Goes On

So I went to the church last nite as planned.. but my mind wasnt cooperating.. I was just sitting there, listening to the first reading.. and I dunno why but I suddenly remembered my Dad and kept thinking about him for half way thru the mass.. He hasnt been feeling well lately, although it's just a fever.. but it made me realize as I watch him.. that he now looks much older and those lines in his face.. I suddenly can see his tired face.. kinda makes me wanna cry.. he's been working hard all of his life for the family.. and what do I have in return?

And my mom.. I sometimes argue with her.. (this is still considered good, remembering how often I used to do that.. ALMOST ALWAYS!) .. it's getting better right? .. Anyway, I used to stare at her teenage-picture.. so different.. she's not as strong as she used to be.. she gets tired easily lately.. but she's now visiting my sister.. 24 hours flight away.. for 2 months!! She's fine there.. happy playing with grandson for sure hehe.. I just hope she wont get too tired..

Then I think about death.. of course I know people gets old and God will call us back to His place one day.. but thinking about it really scares me off.. thinking about losing my parents or any of my loved ones.. I'm not ready for that.. knowing that I still count on them in almost everything.. It is bad since I'm all grown up now physically, but still a child inside.. right? .. I remember when my Dad's mom died.. that was the first time and the only time I saw my dad cried.. and then when my Mom's parents died.. my Mom cries a lot, but that time she cried like she never cried before.. they cried and I know their hearts are broken badly.. but they still tried to be strong.. they didnt lose themselves.. will I be that strong too? I'm so afraid I wont..

Sometimes I think that it'd be much nicer if I die first (egoistically thinking).. then I wonder if it do really happen.. will someone care? will someone miss me? .. well, even if anyone else doesnt, at least my family would.. and my parents.. isnt it just gonna hurt them more? so maybe it just aint fair for them.. I gotta stop my ego!!! actually I should stop thinking about this and let life be.. God knows what He's doing.. and whatever it is, it must be for the best..

Then suddenly the priest's words caught my mind.. He was preaching about what Ash Wednesday means.. Why do they draw cross out of ash on our forehead? Ash or dust is meaningless in our life.. we walk on it.. the wind easily blows it away.. and now they put it on our forehead? The priest said our forehead is where our mind is.. and the ash reminds us that we are all made from dust.. and that IS what we'll be in the end.. reminds us to keep low-profile, dont do big for the good things we do, be humble and not to look down on other people.. for we are all the same in God's eyes..

Well, my mind stopped worrying just about there.. still have many questions left unanswered but I felt enlightened already.. went home in a much better feeling.. then about 10 pm.. my house area got blackened out for around 2 hours.. these few days they gonna cut off electricity in certain areas here.. there was no air-con for a good night sleep, but it didnt matter to me, I felt good and so I was asleep like a baby till morning hehehe.. \(^o^)/